Mercurial Mind's Doubting Tom's and Surrounding Skeptics

Sometimes, I feel like a drug addict whose behavior is doubted and those surrounding me are skeptics.

I have never been one to reveal the fact that I have Bipolar Disorder, except to close family and a couple friends. Even so, over the years it is not really a topic discussed too often. I have done my part to educate and inform and I do not try to engage in the topic any further.

As a matter of fact, when it comes to professionals like General Practitioners and such, I still choose to keep my illness discreet. (Aside from dealing with any medication health related issues.)

As time goes on there are more and more instances when the fact that I am Bipolar seems to elevate to the top of a conversation. The occasion for a family member, or worse a professional, to insinuate the way I am feeling at the moment or the reason I did something is because...well...I am Bipolar.

Of course there are reasons for some to doubt my behavior. This is frustrating at times but understandable. These are the loved ones who have been at my side through the mercurial moments. These are the only people are even closely capable of assessing a true behavior change versus simple mood shifts.

I find the statements of others, that do not know me this well, not only frustrating but demeaning and demoralizing; those that make mention of moods in my presence and give me the eye or explain my thoughts and feelings as, "well that is because you are Bipolar." or the worse yet, a Family Therapist for my teenager wanted to rate each family member's level of "Happiness" between one and ten. Because I answered a firm 8...she later stated, "...well that is because it is the current mood you are in."

Funny thing is sometimes these statements come in form of a strange compliment...
Playing a family game that deals with words..."..she does well because she is Bipolar." ??? First of all, whatever that means. Secondly, this person just made an announcement to the room of people about me. I wish I had a great retort for these moments.

The worst assumption of all is to see fear in a person's eye you barely know.
Fear because you have raised your voice in fun, or done something rambunctious, and because of their ignorance of Bipolar Disorder and limited knowledge about you...they actually look scared. What are they possibly imagining you are going to do next? Break all glasses and throw all the tables!!

I found myself in these situations and intentionally subdued myself only to have less fun at the party. All because I do not want anyone to think I am having too much fun. Now that is just ridiculous.

Bipolar Medication and Managing the Desire to Stop

There are thousands of reasons why a person may not want to take medication, Bipolar or not. I am not referring to the dislike for psychotropics, or the wide range of side effects that can follow along with a prescription.

I am speaking of those that have been maintaining their medication for years.
Some seem to experience this innate desire that rolls around, even in the best of times. Moods may be manageable, medications are working with little side-effects, perhaps the best prescription cocktail has been found yet.

Personally, I have hit many of these smooth sailing plateaus in my Bipolar years. Great! Right? The most intriguing and mysterious part of this illness is when the sails are smooth, the water looks great, and there is an urge to become my own doctor and mess with my medication.

This urge comes deep from within and sneaks up on me. I catch myself skipping a dose here and there. Sometimes even a couple of days, until I really notice the mood change and then have to climb back up a hill to a better state of mental health again.

Sometimes this may come in the hidden form of mania. I can not stand this old adage, yet it may be true, I am sick and the medication makes be better so I stop taking it. Now, I am too smart for this.

This is a common problem in the treatment of Bipolar Disorder.
Where does this desire come from and why or how do we let it take over?
Why aren't we able to intellectualize the entire situation and prioritize maintaining our medication at all costs?

Bipolar Disorder and Interpreting Facial Expressions

The following is an excerpt from an MSN article.
The findings were reported in this week's issue of Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

"Since children seem to have a more severe form of the disorder, they may provide a clearer window into the underlying illness process than adult onset cases," explained Dr. Ellen Leibenluft of the NIMH's Mood and Anxiety Disorders Program. "Our results suggest that children with bipolar disorder see emotion where other people don't. Our results also suggest that bipolar disorder likely stems from impaired development of specific brain circuits, as is thought to occur in schizophrenia and other mental illnesses."

Researchers also discovered that the left amygdala, which registers fear in the brain, reacted more in children with bipolar disorder than those without when they were asked to rate the hostility of a neutral facial expression vs. a non-emotional feature. The more a child viewed the expressions as hostile, the more reaction was seen in the amygdala.

I will admit that when I first read this I started to get a bit defensive. I was ready to put up my dukes for another absurd blanket remark about bipolar disorder, pediatric or geriatric.

Then I held on to my horses, and read with continued interest. One thing that I try to tell my husband is that often I feel my emotional sensory perception is working on super power. This is especially true in a group setting. What this article says about interpreting facial expressions follows right along with this.

I know that emotions are in the amygdala, however I do not know if the rest makes sense, perhaps just interesting. I have a hard time turning off those high powered senses at high anxiety or manic moments.

Trying to determine what someone is thinking, when I do not know or am anxious or fearful of their thoughts or feelings, in that state of mind can be even more mania and anixiety producing. In the past, it could be explosive at times.

Putting this experience in to the brain and emotional develompent and maturity of a bipolar child, well now this article sense to me. The child could be facing an internal turmoil of confusion.

Similar to when children are on the verge of learning verbal skills, they experience an extreme level of frustration. Some toddlers become so frustrated that they can not communicate what they are trying to say, they have tantrums or bite or throw.

The toddler is lacking the skills they need to do the task.

In the confusion that occurs in my adult bipolar mind, the daily deciphering of what is a true thought and feeling and what is that of the bipolar nature, my heart goes out to these bipolar children and their daily battles.

Now that I think about it, I have never read a geriatric bipolar disorder article.

You may find the full article on MSN using this link
MSN Health & Fitness Article:Teens With Bipolar Disorder Misinterpret Facial Expressions